i still don’t really get “crocs” . . . especially wearing crocs with socks. As far as i was informed, socks + sandals were a phenomenon limited to German foreign exchange students. i hear they are comfortable, but i’m much more of a flip flop guy myself. can anybody help explain the appeal of these silly feet-apparatuses?
today i fulfilled my civic duty [for the next 3 years i don't have to give another civic shit, they tell me]
here is some footage of what went down in court:
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_MFebZlUJ7E]
larry david for president.
i’ll be setting roman candles tonight. happy independence day to vanatu!
it seems that robert moses was sort of a scumbag: he’s the reason you sit in traffic on the cbx, lie, and so on, or have to drive out of the way to get from point sucky to point lame on long island [so as to not disrupt the flow of wealthy wealthies' estates], or any sort of bad thing you can think of . . . well maybe it’s not all bad robert moses beach is actually alright [you can't swim at night though] but who names a beach after themselves, right? he had a whole lot of bright ideas . . . but come on now while he was into tearing shit down [in poor neighborhoods] and building all sorts of stuff, nicer stuff in nicer neighborhoods . . . there was never a real attempt to initiate an un-ghettoization of the ghetto – if he had his way, there would be no greenwich village as we know today – and, like larry david, didn’t like black people either, an aide of his once said something about being able to keep black people out of the white neighborhood’s pools they had just constructed by lowering the temperature. . . . the more i read, though . . . he seems like a seriously different kind of dude that changed a whole hell of a lot about a place i love and feel a connection to. hmm – thoughts for my next drive on the northern [riding shotgun? i think dez farted]
in a way, a gym membership is like an airline ticket. next time you’re blastin’ your lats, crunchin’ your abs, or maxin’ out your pecs, look right, or left (but not too hard, because that would make you the gym-starer [that one guy that's always taking triple and quadruple takes at that one chick that's trying way too hard to look hot {the gym-vixen}] and also don’t look at that guy that never really works out, but just stands around talking to everybody else about the wife and kids, the job, the yankees, and the rest {the gym-yenta} occasionally he might sit at a machine, but this is only to get into a position more readily compatible to disrupting the guy doing a real exercise with some leading question about where his daughter is going to college . . . [note: i would pay a handsome reward, and others would too i'm sure, for evidence of tgy's scholar daughter on one of those "i smoke sausage for book money" websites; i'm sure it would be add hours of quality workout time per week to everyone's life]) but i digress . . .
so look around, there is more than a good chance that said individuals you are not-staring at (even gym-vixen, gym-starer, gym-yenta, check-the-mirror-two-times-guy [yes, your tris are that huge; you're the man] and even – believe it or not – i-wipe-the-sweat-on-my-forehead-
with-the-bottom-of-my-shirt-
so-everyone-can-see-my-abs-guy) all of them are probably paying different prices for their membership. depending on whichever scam was being scammed that day (the no money to sign up scam, give us three of your worst enemy’s addresses so we can harass them to join promo, the sign-up for just two sessions with vlad, the vaguely homosexual personal trainer, and so on) or what year you joined (and what the gym was called back in the day: you might still be paying in wampum from your days at chief vijay’s place-where-heavy-things-are-lifted-house.) it’s quite similar to sitting on a jetliner between a mother and screaming baby and guy in a hawaiian shirt on his way to indonesia (to have sex with 12 year old boys, [maybe they're lady-boys]) all three of you paid vastly different prices for your tickets [most likely you are paying the lowest, because anybody who’s reading this (all four of you) is most likely to have done your homework (thanks captain kirk) and gotten a deal that was beyond slick. anyway, yeah . . .
stay tuned kids – after this commercial break, young david goldman (aged 7) learns a true life lesson from his mother:
(on the ride back from disneyworld)
“mom, what’s a salisbury steak?”
“something the goyim eat”
dear nice people of america,
i am not the actor that plays napoleon dynamite. thank you.
sincerely,
brian hawkins (NOT the guy that plays napoleon dynamite)
12 thousand miles, a shitload of moments, and an attempt to digest the past 43 days . . . here goes . . .
so there is a notebook filled with lots of little jottings, ramblings, words, diagrams, letters and digits, facts and figures. america is pretty big. it’s huge. most of it is filled with nothing. well, i misstate that. it’s not exactly nothing. sure there are cows and sheep and crops and grass and dirt. sometimes there are even rocks (utah rox,) forests, some hills here and there, a few rivers (or streams or brooks or “cricks”: whichever you prefer) there just aren’t many people in most of the land we call the u.s. of a. there is certainly clumping of us little people, however, in and around these places we call cities. it’s as if from above the earth has been pinched and molded into buildings and lights where each city stands. each one of these cities that i drove away from left a different imprint upon me.
i’ve been asked where the best spot was. i’ve asked that question of andrew and falk as well. we’ve thrown around some answers and opinions, but i don’t think i’ll ever have a real answer. no two states are exactly the same, and each state changes a great degree from one spot to another (well maybe not wyoming . . .) but lets face it, everybody likes a good list . . . god bless america:
(note: “states” do not include the 20 states not visited on this trip or of course new jersey . . . however, most of them blow anyway. sorry, kansas, oklahoma, missouri, and so on)
best overall state: that’s a tough one. next
most beautiful state: this one is better. utah
ugliest state: iowa. however, if the eastern half of washington was its own state, that would be the no-brainer.
most unique state: tie between texas (they honestly believe they are their own country) and california (as one guy we met put it: it’s the granola bar state, filled with fruits, nuts, and flakes)
best eats (state): california
best overall city: san fransisco
most happenin’ city: tie between las vegas and new orleans, with austin in a close third place (sorry white sulphur springs)
least attractive city: phoenix or tijuana
best vibe (city): seattle
best chowdah: some place in san fran
best tacos: allende or whatever that place is called in chicago
worst pizza: austin
best food spot: beth’s in seattle (home of the six and dozen egg omelettes)
biggest character: charles the can man of san diego (hometown: detroit)
lamest city: houston
the list could go on and on . . . every place has it’s own best or worst or coolest or lamest or whatever and wherever . . .
crossing the george washington bridge yesterday, looking at that skyline . . . . like absolutely none other (in this country at least) . . . fuckin a, man. coming home, new jersey is always a million times greener than you remember it. new york city is still the center of the universe. the list will certainly change. so will my mind about many things. . . .
what a long strange trip it has been, and like i said, i’m still digesting. in a sense (the chronological one, at least) the trip was a linear endevour. such is the road. but there’s so much going on, on every single level. every single person you meet in every single city and town has some linear story of their own and some sense of the world and some plan. but whether it’s country, rock, r &b, rap, pop, or classical, there is music bumpin. there are basic rules to the music, the real simple ones of rhythm and melody, but they’re so simple they’re almost made to be broken. everyone everywhere ad libs on that. it’s doing the same exact thing a multitude of different ways that makes it so bearable. an appreciation for the incredibly different, seemingly nonsensical, and often just plain weird that makes one arrive where they departed x number of days ago with an enhanced and enlightened sense of what is, what isn’t, what always was, and what can possibly be. all vaguatries aside . . . america, fuck yeah . . .
a parting thought . . .
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s8KR0xjueyc]
