12.15.07
on performance-enhancing, performance-enhancers, and the performance-enhanced
why not just make every professional athlete take steroids . . . but the same exact amount [proportion to body weight, of course]
none of this uneven playing field garbage: just clear the table of all these underachieving [might we add un-american] wimpy kids in the mlb who flat out refused to supply the baseball watching, flag waving, hot dog eating, sometimes pieces of corn get stuck in my teeth too patriots of this fine and awesome continental united states of america (plus the d.r. never forget the d.r.) with what they [and we: yes you too, hyper-literate and choking on your tongue in cheek faux-hawked reader] demand. america demands less waiting around, more home runs, bigger biceps, more aggression, more attitude, more spunk, a little less pastime, a little more bang for your buck, a little more nfl.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YphEUa5LPjM]
[thank you g. carlin]
so while vince mcmahon and co. took a gamble (and got burned) with the xfl, taking the athletotainment ad absurdum, major league baseball was in the midst of a subtle mega-beefing-up overhaul [yet, can one believe it ever was or will ever be subtle to pay for controlled substances with personal checks?] there’s a whole lot of juice to go around, and the report does not diminish any suspicions. upon watching a yankees game on one of those classic rerun glory days channels, this writer was struck by the apparent scrawniness of all the players, and the sluggers, just looked like the average schmo in the beer-softball league that can hit it past the fire house. somewhere along the lines [when the stakes got much higher, fueled by 1990s prosperity and
- a ticket buying population that can now pay $20-something to sit in the bleachers, as opposed to the $6 of the past
- advertising dollars coming in from everywhere, paying for billboards that have gone everywhere but the players uniforms (yet)
so yes, we get the point: revenues get much higher, therefore the players that can perform at “major league” standards can demand much higher compensation for their work. the promise of much higher wages will often make it far more worthwhile to risk physical well-being and even social disdain from breaking the law (hazard pay to coal miners, window washers, bodyguards, drug smugglers, test pilots, and all the rest) we all know the physical hazards of taking steroids, but what of the social consequences. in major league baseball, while considered illegal (if not possessed with a legal prescription) there was no real testing, and the recent testing system seemingly leaves much to be desired. but it certainly is not in major league baseball’s great interest to find that one out of every five players is juiced up, is it? what would become of america’s great pastoral family friendly athletotainment? how would this bastion of non-violent day-at-the-park fun fare if it came to light that it’s social heroes are jabbing hypodermic needles into themselves to perform at such comic-book levels of greatness?
can major league baseball ever go back?
then there is only one way to go, which brings us back to our mitchell plan of commie-non-roid-taking containment. we’ll leave the national league to those natural tree-huggers and such. let them hit the weight room un-aided. (it’s sort of like letting people drive without their glasses or contacts in, right?) they can even rename it to the socialist league, or even the loving and accepting of all levels of physical prowess league. the american league belongs to the americans. it will be like regular and decaf, coke and diet coke, bud and bud light, popeye and popeye sans spinach . . .
and in the world series every year, we can reunite . . . and also see the first triple digit one game run total in the game’s history.
